It was suggested by other readers who have blogs themselves that I add tags; words that will cause someone using a search word looking for blog topics to find mine.  It is a something I have meant to do, but it is spring and much to do otherwise so I have continued to write my daily philosophical pieces and left the other for a rainy day.  However, as I approach my 100th post, it occurred to me that I will never catch up if I don’t devote some time to it now.

Telling myself that I can stop; make a change for the better and then pick up again will be new for me as I tend to drop the thread of something if I diverge even slightly from the routine.  So this will also be a test to see if I can take a couple of days to make this site better and still come back to it and write daily as I made the commitment to do.

If I find a post that I particularly liked I may re-blog it; or if I find that there was something more I think needs saying I will add a follow-up piece.  Taking out the time to re-read the entire body of work to date will help I hope, to clarify my vision and help me gain further insight into the purpose behind the posts and maybe add a few more readers along the way.

“The future starts today, not tomorrow.”  Pope John Paul II

Looking down the road, planning for the future, saving for a rainy day, and dozens more truisms come to mind that point us in the direction of tomorrow.   Right now, this very moment we will make choices that will make tomorrow different than if we had made a slightly altered decision.  Every step down the road leads us to the next and the next.  We are defining our future with each breath that we take, each word that we utter, each thought and hope and dream.  Just a little terrifying, yes?

Having faith that the journey is laid out before us and taking the tentative steps in that direction is all the bravery one really needs to muster.  Most of us have an internal compass that warns us of taking off in on an ill-chosen path.  Yet so often we fail to trust our best instinct and in fact argue with it, rationalize going against it and fight to have it “our way”.  Where does that leave us if not on a narrow ledge from which we will have to backtrack at some point if we are, in fact, building our future at this moment?  Is it not more terrifying to think that through our actions we are laying the groundwork for something less than we know is best for ourselves?

Stepping up this moment to take responsibility for what happens next is the great human challenge.  Whether it be a personal action or one that reaches far outside of oneself, acting fearlessly and following our moral compass works best in the present.  Thinking we will build the future when we get there and pay no toll for the thoughtless or reckless actions of today is certain folly.

Mindfulness is the tool to be certain the future we live is one we would have chosen, had we known.  Insight prevents hindsight to a great degree and should be used at every turn.  Instead of wasting time agonizing over a choice, turning it this way and that, creating arguments to satisfy each perspective; paying attention to the reaction of the mind and body will tell us everything we need to know.  Centering ourselves in an unshakeable present gives birth to a satisfying future.

“A vision is not just a picture of what could be; it is an appeal to our better selves, a call to become something more.” Rosabeth Moss Kanter

Leadership is defined as having a vision, seeing something that no one else sees and then acting on that vision in a way that allows the collaborators to see the vision as well.   A leader begins with an internal vision of how they want to see themselves  and the internal dialogue then starts to define who they become.  What does this have to do with me, you ask?  What if you don’t want to be a leader?

If you never lead another person in your life, you must  lead to yourself.  Allowing your life to  drift down a long river, bobbing along letting the current toss you and bump you  to an unknown destination or worse yet to get caught in still spot to stagnate; is to  take your life and hand it over to every other person you contact.  A personal vision is a definition, a road map that has the unique ability to lead you and drive you at the same time. Distilling the image of the person you want to be into a crystal-clear model leads forward.  When taking action contrary to the road map, having negative thoughts; your vision can drive you back in the direction you want to go.  Living each moment as if you were the person you visualize yourself to be draws you ever onward, each reinforcement builds the drive for more.

I am a dancer because I dance, I am a writer because I write; and the more I dance, the more I write, the more I am a dancer or writer.  To get there takes two simple steps, see who you want to be and live as though you were already there.  The person you imagine defines the steps to get there.  You see yourself as a medical doctor?  What is your next step?  Your vision will tell you.  To be more than what you are today or a better version of who you are requires taking the leadership reins in your life and vision.

I have made an effort to keep this blog general, thoughtful and relevant to most readers but today my resolve is failing me.  Suddenly I have so much to do in so little time I cannot tear my thoughts away from a to-do list that begs writing; the call of the tasks both large and small.  Even one who tries to live the life of the mind and careful reflection has to deal with the mundane and the daily.

For today I am setting aside my higher purpose and righting my ship a bit.  First are the lists: one for inside, one for outside, one for things I must buy to finish the tasks.  The outside tasks are prioritized by weather and tasks that can be done without leaving for material or supplies first.  The house, yikes!  Function first, I can save cleaning for the weekend, reordering the disordered has to top the list for now.

Gaining some control over my environment and what at the moment feels like an overwhelming amount of work will allow me to return to exploring the topics that intrigue me and about which I am most passionate.  Until then, I have lists to write and work to do!

“If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.” ~ C.S. Lewis

Looking hard at truth when the urge to turn away and seek comfort and reassurance is strong and oh so tempting; if only in that moment could we be so sure of the despair that will always follow if we are not brave enough, bold enough to stare down the truth. It is the hallmark of adulthood to seek the truth and accept it when it may come with a strong dose of pain.  As a child we want to be told everything will be all right, that good things happen to good children, that we will always be safe and loved and cared for.  Letting go of the drive to seek comfort can be an arduous task, to cling to the imagined safety of it is to hold us away from truth, from reality.

Truth though seeks us out, even as we hide under the covers with eyes tightly closed, it will wait for us to peek.  We might as well get up, look the monster in the eye and be done with it.  Peering in the mirror, we must ask, what is it that I know?  What is the clearest picture I have of myself when I remove all the pillows of comfort and am left with bricks of flaws and failures piled up around me?  For starters, one has great material for building a foundation.  Using the honest assessment of oneself to begin to grow the inner steel needed to confront whatever hides under the bed, we begin by facing our own truths.

From that solid ground we then begin to assess the truth of those around us and the truth of the greater world.  Without the shifting, shimmering gauze of comfort draped over our perceptions we gain stability in the unchanging.  Truth becomes a pier sunk deeply; the thing to which we cling is something we can trust, it is not “soft soap and wishful thinking”.  This is the ultimate delayed gratification; doing the hardest part first to gain a reward that we mistakenly believe we can have without any effort, only to find that when we have given no effort the reward is hollow and brings pain we thought to avoid.  Seek comfort from the truth; be it painful or not, you will have solid footing to take the next steps.

This morning I read a guest post on a blog I follow that set me back on my heels.  To read the entire post http://wp.me/p27ySS-hW.  I have written a great deal about being in the moment, paying attention, being mindful; but always framed in appreciating the moment, finding the joy in that instant.

Bryanne took this another direction and although this is about food and weight loss, it is applicable to anything.  She says “Can you give yourself the space to be where you are and feel what you feel, where-ever and whatever that might be? If we create that space for all to be exactly where it is, as it is, we have already removed ourselves from the attachment to the situation.”  She suggests sitting with the bad feeling, the uncomfortable thought, the roots of unhappiness.  Using the same techniques to heighten our awareness and allowing ourselves to notice and come to terms with the feelings that prick at us as we use to find core happiness puts us in touch with the inner voices that are holding us back.  Sitting with, and accepting where we are in this moment, allowing it to be difficult if it is; takes courage and determination.  Once we do this, we take the power away from the negative, we see that even as we sit with this painful feeling we are still here and still safe.

 Mindfulness applied to both sides of the spectrum of emotion adds yet another layer creating balance and giving one another tool to achieve wholeness and yes, happiness.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you who are a Mother or have one (that covers all of us I think!).

My experience with motherhood has been an ongoing lesson in love and life.  As my children became adults, their insights and opinions have taken me places I never would have gone, intellectually and physically.  There is certainly something unique in seeing the world through another’s eyes when they are so familiar yet separate.

I have learned the lessons of letting go while staying close, supporting without judging, listening when it is time to listen and offering an opinion or advice when asked and not before.  I am blessed with a daughter who is firm and kind in setting her boundaries and made my transition from being strictly a parent to an adult friend of an adult child far easier than it might have been.

My son has one of the most intellectual minds I have known and has challenged me to broaden my reading, my thinking and my concept of what it means to parent a bright child.  With both of them I have grown in different ways and I find Mother’s Day a time to be especially thankful of the opportunity to experience motherhood.  Looking back at the snapshots of memories I can’t help but wonder at the two adults they have become.

And to my Mother, thank you for doing your best with a daughter who was not what you might have expected and is still at times a mystery to you.  And to all the many wonderful mothers in my life; sisters, friends, cousins; again best wishes today and every day.

“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

 Starting this daily blog was an exercise in overcoming a perfectionist streak a mile wide and to the bone.  Paralyzed by the idea that I could not do something perfectly, most of my goals were lost to fear.  The list is so long that it defined my life.  In my quest to find the kernel of happiness in every day, I realized that I had to let go of the perfect, because it was never going to happen the way I imagined, and it stood looming over my path to the life I wanted.

It is more than a decision to overlook, to look beyond.  It is letting go, swinging with abandon from the trapeze without a net.    The drive for perfection stems from the need or desire to have total control over outcomes.  Ironically the need to feel in control ends up controlling us.  Because I cannot control the outcome of an airline flight, I have a fear of flying.  Because I needed to control the outcome of every group project, I took on the lion’s share of the work  ensuring it was “perfect”.  Last minute panic before the arrival of guests thinking I must have missed something; these and many more caused me to stop in my tracks.  I didn’t fly, I stopped participating in group projects, I did not entertain.  Did this make me happy?

Freeing myself from this need to control admittedly took a great deal of work to get to the root of it and then to slowly let go of the many threads I held tightly wound.  The deepest fear was “what will people think”?  Decades and decades of life taught me that most people are so wrapped up in themselves they hardly notice; the ones who do and are critical I most likely could not have pleased if there was a “perfect”, and the ones who notice and support, praise, lend a hand, make a joke, are cherished above all else.  And truly, how arrogant of me to think I could control another’s thoughts!

Breaking free of the bonds of perfection has allowed me to explore new ideas, put myself and my thoughts out there for all to see and comment upon.  It has renewed my sense of purpose when it comes to all the things I had given up on because I could not always be the all-star, it has given me permission to keep trying when I slip or fall.  Letting go has added a quality of lightness to my life like no other, and that lightness transforms my attitude to one of joy and celebration.   Now about that flying thing…..

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions”  Rainer Marie Rilke from “Letters to a Young Poet”

How many times have you worried a question to no result?  Thought and thought, turned it this way and that a thousand times and still, nothing.  Is it possible that the answer in the form that you seek does not exist?  Or are the answers right there and as the poet says “you would not be able to live them”?

Oddly, the thing about life is that we never have to find the answer to anything, as taking the next breath, living the next moments happen regardless.  The problem will always resolve itself into a sort of answer, one way or the other.  If the question has been asked, and no answer seems forthcoming, living the question as if it were the answer allows the natural tide of living to carry us in the direction intended for us.

This is different from the world of choices, with which we are most familiar and strive to handle well.  Given the either-or question demands a choice, and careful consideration and balance will generally lead us to the correct decision that suits our morality and temperament best.

The universe of questions though, vary from the miniscule to the sweeping.  Working as a poet, trying to divine the precise word to capture the essence of a thought or emotion, can be a question turned endlessly and must be given over to the subconscious.  Then, seemingly miraculously, the word or phrase leaps to mind unexpectedly.  The sweeping questions, of life, love, and being are ones we are even more reluctant to let go of, and tease and worry them to exhaustion.  While even the subconscious may be unable to offer the absolute answer, each day and each action will be its own answer.  Living the big questions and being open and ready to receive each piece of the answer as it arrives, prevents wasting emotional energy overworking problems without resolution, and clears the way for the solution to become part of the fabric overlaying our existence.  Letting go seems difficult, but in the end the result is the same, life goes on and the choice is to miss it while tangled in the question or live it and let the answers come to us.

It is easier to build up a child that to repair an adult. ~ Author Unknown

Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them. ~ Richard L. Evans

In an interview that is quoted in the Los Angeles Times obituary for “Where the Wild Things Are” author Maurice Sendak he explained why he was able to relate so well to children when he had none.  He replied, “We’ve all passed the same places.  Only I remember the geography, most people forget it.

The recollection of being a child can remind us most intimately of the feelings we had when we were small and powerless.  The memories of being cherished can warm our souls.  Lacking those feelings of being cherished we can still imagine how it might have felt, in order to express that to the children in our lives.  Recalling innocence and wonder allow us to relate as Mr. Sendak did to the youngest among us, and opens that window in our soul to a purer part of ourselves.

Many fight the demons of thoughtless words and actions heaped upon them over a long and painful childhood.  Would anyone choose that legacy for their child?  To leave a child’s simple joyous nature mostly intact is a worthy goal.  Perhaps taking our direction from the Hippocratic Oath, “First do no harm”, is an excellent start to the guidebook of parenthood.

Scanning the shelves of the hundreds of books on parenting, the dominant theme is regulating the child in some way; behavior, diet, sleep patterns; the list is endless and numbing.  What I haven’t found is the geography of childhood, the map of marvels and discovery.  It is assumed that a parent must love their child to buy one or ten of these books, and that is likely so.  But rarely is a parent encouraged to become small again in their hearts and souls to recall the impact of the very bigness of the grown-up world and the ofttimes dramatic consequences of adult words and acts.

Recalling our own geography and using it to chart the course of  parenting, teaching, mentoring and all other interactions with children rewards both the adult and the child.  With careful attention we can raise adults who are not just survivors of their childhood but have the well of feeling cherished to draw upon.