How often do we hold ourselves back with our assumptions?  Presuming we know something about ourselves when in fact we have not been tested?  It is so easy to say, “that class would be too hard, that type of book does not interest me, I never like new foods”; each of us has a list of things we believe that may prevent growth and understanding.

Erasing assumptions challenges one to look at every new opportunity with a fresh eye and an open mind and heart.  One may avoid circumstances that are unfamiliar or one that experience tells us was unpleasant.  Even when confronted with a past event for guidance, the situation or timing may be different. “I tried that once and didn’t like it” seems fair, but look more closely at the when and where of that occasion to see if there has been some minute change since the previous exposure, a subtle difference that would alter the outcome.  Most have had such an experience with food; rejecting one as a child only to find a fondness for it as an adult.  Reexamining the assumption and giving a new try to a previous reject can open a door to a new-found pleasure.

The broader assumptions are tougher, the things we believe we know about ourselves in less specific ways.  Breaking down a firmly held belief when a new situation presents itself requires digging deep for fearlessness, imagination and curiosity.  Take for example, “that class is too hard, I might fail”.  Breaking that statement down into the components of what we find hard, and whether it matters if we do fail, helps us to decide if the assumption is holding us back from an opportunity to grow.  When we put our minds to the creative work-around to carry out an act we previously thought undoable; not only is the satisfaction of trying the new with some success the reward, but we have used our creativity in a concrete manner.

Our assumptions must stand up to our best judgment or be challenged if we are to broaden our horizons and let go of the constraints of self-talk that is unexamined.  Just as making assumptions about another person can close off the chance to add value to your life, so can making assumptions about yourself.

“Manners are the happy ways of doing things; each once a stroke of genius or of love, now repeated and hardened into usage”  Ralph Waldo Emerson

Why would manners have anything to do with happiness?  Manners are the means to smooth the rough edges off the coarseness of life.  The soft rounded corners are pleasing to the touch and the heart.  The simplest manners are those of showing respect such as arriving on time or of kindness such as holding a door for another.  Kind and respectful actions make us feel worthy and the responses we receive are generally grateful; positive reinforcement in the form of a smile or a kind word.

Viewing oneself as kind, generous and respectful is satisfying and brings its own reward in feeling good.  The stress of running late, dealing with someone who is rude in response to our actions, struggling when it is unnecessary, do not add to wellbeing.  The simple manners are the natural result of thoughtfulness, kindness, an awareness of the needs or discomfort of others.

The more complex manners I believe come from a need for familiarity and order.  Setting a table in a prescribed fashion, using the utensils in a specified manner, are inclusive actions of a cultural norm.  It is a way of saying, “we are from the same place with the same concept of order”.  We are more relaxed and comfortable when the rules are known and thinking about which fork to use does not occupy a moment of thought.  Learning the complex rules can be a task if one is not born to them, is transplanted from a different culture, or has difficulty in recognizing and understanding the cues of others.  The rewards of fitting in and feeling comfortable are worth the effort.  The best way to acquire the most common of these is through observation.  Whether it is scouting out the employees of a potential employer to learn the proper attire for an interview, sitting back and watching the interaction of the members of a lunch group you have been invited to join, mindfulness comes in to play here as well.

Beyond the complex manners are the archaic manners, no longer applicable in today’s world that give us insight into our past and in many cases are the precursors to more modern manners.  No matter the degree from simple to archaic, to be mindful of one’s impact on another, choosing a positive impression instead of an oblivious or negative one connects us to others in a warmer, sincere way.  The small niceties create happiness whether generated or reflected.

“Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”  John Ruskin

Such a lovely perspective and attitude, but I may have to work especially hard to appreciate the downpour that  started this morning and continues.  This is a perspective that is especially hard for me.  It not only puts a dent in what I can do for the day, but it makes it difficult to avoid the “if only” list in my mind.  I would really be happy that it is raining if I had a garden planted, if I didn’t have so many weeds that need to be treated or cut back, if I had a crop that was benefitting; I could go on and on.

So how does one turn something that is negative, at least to that person, into a positive?  I suppose the altruistic approach is one.  The farmers and ranchers are happy to see the rain.  Not working.  It will keep the dust down for a little longer.  Maybe.  The single wildflower I spotted yesterday may have cousins that appear after this downpour.  One can only hope.  Above the valley as I am, I am floating in a cloud, all the edges of my world softened by the mists and the steady rain.  Beauty works.  The air smells so clean and the scent of the pines is pronounced.  Sensory awareness, good one!

The work to turn our thoughts from the negative to the positive can be strenuous and at times hardly seems worth the effort, which of course is the negativity shouting to drown out the happiness that is so elusive at times.  Spending the time, in this case a good hour, to turn the tide of the next twenty-three is worth it when viewed proportionally.  It is a useful reminder that choosing to be happy takes mindfulness, determination to turn unhappiness aside, and effort to find  one’s happiness on the internal compass.

Will I be dancing in the rain? Maybe not.  But I will spend the day looking for the positives, paying close attention to the birds, wildflowers and grasses that all seem to be dancing in the rain.

“Dreams are like stars…you may never touch them, but if you follow them they will lead you to your destiny.” Lawrence Block

Dreamers and their dreams are often discounted as frivolous, especially if those dreams remain unrealized.  Looking at one’s dreams as the guiding star instead of a goal  relentlessly pursued, allows us to dream with no limit to the imagination.  Stars do not offer much in the way of illumination and are not something we would ever expect to reach out and grasp; but the North Star can guide us home.  We can allow our dreams to do the same.

Making plans, setting goals, outlining and completing the steps  to reach them make up so much of the process we see as moving life forward.  We cast our eyes to the path at our feet and focus on each carefully placed step.  Glancing now and again upwards to our dreams, to the stars, is a reminder there is something bigger, with grandeur and unlimited scope.  Lifting the cloud of limitations, glimpsing the distant starlight of our most expansive secret hopes and dreams, frees us from the weight of a carefully plotted path and gives our soul a moment to soar.

Dreams that are present in our lives, even as we pursue our goals, open doors to unexpected opportunities.  Life has a way of throwing the unexpected in our path, even if it is only something we had never thought of, or a thing so wholly new that it went unconsidered simply for the lack of knowing.  If we are allowing our dreams to act as our guiding star the unexpected glows in the starlight and gives us pause.

Daring to dream, giving imagination wings, removing self-imposed limits; heady stuff for the goal-oriented planner.  Dreaming gives way to growing beyond our own small selves.  Finding one’s destiny is the fortunate result of dreaming.  If the heart is set free where will it go?

If we stop to take a moment, wherever we are and whatever we are doing, there is always something else to experience or see that we might miss if we had not turned our attention to it.  Yesterday as I was packing up the car, two geese sailed in and landed in the catch basin that we euphemistically refer to as a pond.  This is a rare occurrence as there are many place that geese would find more interesting, but perhaps in the thunderstorm, they were just looking for shelter.

Shortly after turning on to the Interstate, driving parallel to the river, I noticed a bald eagle sailing low to the water.  Another glimpse at the river in Idaho rewarded me with an opsprey diving and then shooting back into the air, fish grasped in its talons.  The calves  and lambs are younger in this open part of the country than the more sheltered pastures closer to home.  Observing the natural world as I drove, connected me to it even though I was moving south at the speed limit.

The entire eastern Rocky Mountain region was swathed in thunderstorm formations with a variety of shapes and colors.  Surrounded on all sides by towering mountains and massive thunder heads, I continued south from forest to prairie to high desert; the change of habitat and the lessening signs of regular rainfall marking my progress.

This morning I head back with my new friend, Murray.  He seems a very easy dog, with good manners and is likeable in the way that labs are.  I’m sure there will be some adjustments when we get back to the mountains, he has been a southern dog all of his life.  But for today we will keep an eye out for raptors and other interesting sights and I am sure Murray will collect plenty of new smells during our stops on the way.  Watching Murray, to whom life is only this moment; no future and no past, will be my constant reminder to stay in the moment and appreciate all that is around me.

Unlike my usual posts, today is a status update of sorts.  I am heading out on a road trip this morning to drive south to Salt Lake City, Utah to meet up with my sister who will be there on business.  Due to a change in her living situation I will be taking her nine-year old lab, Murray back home with me tomorrow.  Murray will have his first and likely last plane ride this morning, after that he will live out his golden years in lovely Western Montana where he can walk on unpaved ground, lay in the sun and generally live the good life.

The adventure, besides the eight-plus hour drive each way, is that contrary to the weather forecasts, I awakened to flashes of lightning and rolling thunder.  As I watch the mountains to the east lightening with the sunrise, to the west the thunder continues.  Forecasting is not a science here, not even an art really, more of a crap shoot at best.  Why I continue to look I have no clue; at least I will not have packed sweaters and boots for Utah when the high today is, dare I say it, forecasted in the high 80’s.  I guess that means it will be safe to take the snow shovel out of my car.

I haven’t had a dog on my own before, there were always other family members and a fenced yard to rely on.  Here it is just me and a cantankerous cat on ten acres with no fencing.  I expect that I will have to carve out time to make Murray’s life a good one with long walks and lots of supervised visits to the outdoors.  This may be a good time to cut back on one of my guilty pleasures, computer games.  At the same time it should make it easy to get in my daily ten thousand steps and plenty of natural Vitamin D.  Perhaps Murray is coming my way as part of my Happiness Project; and here I thought I was just doing my sister a favor.

Time to hit the road!

“Whenever two people meet there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him and each man as he really is.” William James

How in the world do we ever communicate honestly and clearly with one another?  The exchange between those six is like playing a game of telephone instead of a conversation.  The issue is image; how do we imagine ourselves, how do others imagine us and what is the underlying truth?

It is easy to drop two players right off the bat, the men as they really are.  I have argued before that truth is in large part perception and acceptance of that perception with belief.  Since there is a question about whose perception, perhaps both, define each man, the argument is confined to one’s perception of oneself versus the perceptions others hold.  How astonishingly different those can be.  In speaking with people I knew only from passing in the halls or a shared classroom in high school many years later, I was shocked to find many assumed me “stuck-up”.  In fact I desperately wanted to fit in and had no idea how to go about it.  Not wanting to say the wrong thing, I said little socially and clung to my very small group of friends.  I saw myself as a misfit, an outsider, others viewed me as thinking I was too good for them.

Because I can talk a blue streak, especially when I am impassioned about the topic or very nervous, I always thought I gave the impression of being outgoing.  Speaking with close friends on the topic I was told they thought me reserved!  As I threw that word out to get the reaction of more friends and family I was again and again surprised that each thought the word apt.  I did a little inventory for myself and realised that the way in which I am reserved is not with information or chatter, but emotionally.  I would not have identified that as a trait prior to that process.

One of the great benefits derived from interpersonal communication is the opportunity to learn about oneself as well as the other person and the topic at hand.  Beyond being mindful of the exchange, later reflection in light of our reactions and responses may offer some insight into ourselves and the person others see.  And if the chance to start a conversation about how one is viewed presents itself, take the risk.  It can be frightening to ask for a critique, but even one’s harshest critics will most often withhold hurtful comments; even if a trait is deemed negative, if shared with compassion can help one to see the outer self.

Allowing others to see us as we are and to understand how our actions and words seem to others is another step in wholeness and the integrity of the spirit.  The more consistently we represent ourselves, the greater the opportunity for deep and lasting relationships based on the clearest picture one can offer of the inner self.