Author Archives: Cathrine McLaren

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About Cathrine McLaren

Suburban Mom turned Mountain Woman, I am redefining myself as a happy, healthy, mindful writer. Step one in my journey is to write every day. and now Mountain Woman trying to redefine herself in rural New Jersey. 8/22 starting a new program of weekly writing prompts to tease out both my history and what I want the next chapter to look like.

Adventure Days

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Unlike my usual posts, today is a status update of sorts.  I am heading out on a road trip this morning to drive south to Salt Lake City, Utah to meet up with my sister who will be there on business.  Due to a change in her living situation I will be taking her nine-year old lab, Murray back home with me tomorrow.  Murray will have his first and likely last plane ride this morning, after that he will live out his golden years in lovely Western Montana where he can walk on unpaved ground, lay in the sun and generally live the good life.

The adventure, besides the eight-plus hour drive each way, is that contrary to the weather forecasts, I awakened to flashes of lightning and rolling thunder.  As I watch the mountains to the east lightening with the sunrise, to the west the thunder continues.  Forecasting is not a science here, not even an art really, more of a crap shoot at best.  Why I continue to look I have no clue; at least I will not have packed sweaters and boots for Utah when the high today is, dare I say it, forecasted in the high 80’s.  I guess that means it will be safe to take the snow shovel out of my car.

I haven’t had a dog on my own before, there were always other family members and a fenced yard to rely on.  Here it is just me and a cantankerous cat on ten acres with no fencing.  I expect that I will have to carve out time to make Murray’s life a good one with long walks and lots of supervised visits to the outdoors.  This may be a good time to cut back on one of my guilty pleasures, computer games.  At the same time it should make it easy to get in my daily ten thousand steps and plenty of natural Vitamin D.  Perhaps Murray is coming my way as part of my Happiness Project; and here I thought I was just doing my sister a favor.

Time to hit the road!

The Six of Us

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“Whenever two people meet there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him and each man as he really is.” William James

How in the world do we ever communicate honestly and clearly with one another?  The exchange between those six is like playing a game of telephone instead of a conversation.  The issue is image; how do we imagine ourselves, how do others imagine us and what is the underlying truth?

It is easy to drop two players right off the bat, the men as they really are.  I have argued before that truth is in large part perception and acceptance of that perception with belief.  Since there is a question about whose perception, perhaps both, define each man, the argument is confined to one’s perception of oneself versus the perceptions others hold.  How astonishingly different those can be.  In speaking with people I knew only from passing in the halls or a shared classroom in high school many years later, I was shocked to find many assumed me “stuck-up”.  In fact I desperately wanted to fit in and had no idea how to go about it.  Not wanting to say the wrong thing, I said little socially and clung to my very small group of friends.  I saw myself as a misfit, an outsider, others viewed me as thinking I was too good for them.

Because I can talk a blue streak, especially when I am impassioned about the topic or very nervous, I always thought I gave the impression of being outgoing.  Speaking with close friends on the topic I was told they thought me reserved!  As I threw that word out to get the reaction of more friends and family I was again and again surprised that each thought the word apt.  I did a little inventory for myself and realised that the way in which I am reserved is not with information or chatter, but emotionally.  I would not have identified that as a trait prior to that process.

One of the great benefits derived from interpersonal communication is the opportunity to learn about oneself as well as the other person and the topic at hand.  Beyond being mindful of the exchange, later reflection in light of our reactions and responses may offer some insight into ourselves and the person others see.  And if the chance to start a conversation about how one is viewed presents itself, take the risk.  It can be frightening to ask for a critique, but even one’s harshest critics will most often withhold hurtful comments; even if a trait is deemed negative, if shared with compassion can help one to see the outer self.

Allowing others to see us as we are and to understand how our actions and words seem to others is another step in wholeness and the integrity of the spirit.  The more consistently we represent ourselves, the greater the opportunity for deep and lasting relationships based on the clearest picture one can offer of the inner self.

New Habits

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“Never suffer an exception to occur till the new habit is securely rooted in your life. Each lapse is like the letting fall of a ball of string which one is carefully winding up; a single slip undoes more than a great many turns will wind again.” William James

Developing a new habit is the struggle to make a change that one perceives is valuable.  The habit I have most recently added is this blog.  I committed to writing daily, and to avoid the inevitable lapses with varying rationalizations that I am so prone to, I made a  very public commitment and told  the one person I could depend on to hold me accountable of my new habit.  I have backed myself into my own corner.

I have not been a creature of habit, I tend to work in waves of activity.  Habits I have tried to cultivate have fallen by the wayside more often than not, routine has not been a strong point to date.  I tied this exercise of creating and rooting a new habit with something that I have approached in waves in the past, but remains a passion; thinking, analyzing, and writing to understand the inner and outer worlds of the mind and the imagination.

As the time has passed the daily writing becomes more difficult rather than easier and I suspect this is about the time when I have dropped the ball of string, never to pick it up again so many times.  To persevere through this stage and come out the other side has been the goal; to that end, each day I spend more and more time searching for a topic, an inspired notion to share and expand upon.  A side benefit is spending time with great thinkers, philosophers, self-help gurus, the witty and the wise.  Often what I read is so succinct that expounding on it would do a disservice.  But there is little that does not get me thinking and it is also possible that my thoughts carry me in an unexpected direction, the result of which you read here.

As much as humans seem are creatures of habit we seem more often the prisoners of our bad habits than the creators of healthy habits.  The bad habits stem from a lack of mindfulness.  Before the first cigarette is lit, the first bag of greasy fries consumed, careful consideration of the consequences would surely give us pause.  But we mindlessly allow these harmful habits to sneak into our lives and hold us hostage.  When we are mindful and present we have to ability to see more clearly and judge the value of the habit.  Why then is it so very difficult to grow the roots of a good habit?  It may lie in the path of least resistance.  It is easy to procrastinate, drift along and give in when the first small difficulty arises.  It is hard and requires discipline to actively make good choices and fully integrate those into our lives with sound habits.  Continuing to push on until the activity requires little or no thought to begin and is fully ingrained is a worthy challenge.

I think that the next time I approach my computer with a sigh at the thought of writing because I committed to do so, I will remind myself of two things; first I chose to do this because it is an activity that ultimately makes me deeply happy; and second, to visualize myself chasing that string that has unwound.

Living with Integrity

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“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.” Barbara De Angelis

From the root word integrate. Webster’s Dictionary second and third definitions:  the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished; sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition

Acting with consistency is at the root of living with integrity.  Aligning one’s actions with one’s thoughts  a simple concept, execution difficult.  A life reflecting  inner integrity is one that is whole and  has quieted the inner struggle.  To have a clear map and a strong compass replaces fear and anxiety with calm and sureness.

It is human habit to hold back our honest selves with the mistaken assumption that it makes one more likeable or that we are somehow protecting others by not revealing ourselves in our actions.  This crisis of identity is in direct opposition to the wholeness needed for happiness.  Contentment requires a true representation of the self; to have each part of ourselves working in unison for one’s best interest.

Speaking and acting one’s truth and accepting the consequence when it includes tension or conflict with another is where the difficulty lies.  And yet, which is the more damaging; to be in conflict with another person, or to be in internal conflict?  No matter who the other person might be, one can exist without them; not so for the self.  As always the resolution lies within.  And once whole, the inner world aligned with the outer; the resource of calm, steady, clear thought becomes available to express ourselves.  The tensions with others can be eased somewhat with our clarity and sense of purpose.

The clarity and sense of purpose then help us clear the clutter of our outer world.  Viewing all aspects of living through the lens of personal truth, belief in our personal value;our expectations of others the same as we demand of ourselves, affords the opportunity to resolve or remove harmful relationships and habits.  This is the hard work of happiness.

All of the externals that we use to help us create our happiness are additions to the primary goal; whether it is exercising more, being more organized or tidy, or losing weight.  But unless one chooses to exercise the mind, organize one’s thoughts around their personal truths and lose the unhealthy relationships and habits; the changes are superficial and the gains easily lost.  Drilling down into the core of oneself and coming out with a clear sense of values, truth and self-definition and then building on that foundation is the way to create happiness that is lasting and real.  The fully integrated person is the content and satisfied soul.

Disturbers of Happiness

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“The disturbers of happiness are our desires, our griefs, and our fears.” — Samuel Johnson

It is interesting that Mr. Johnson listed our desires at the head of the string of disturbers of happiness.  It is easy to see how grief and fear can disturb one’s inner state of happiness, but desire?

I have come to think of happiness as synonymous with contentment.  The states of joy and elation are fleeting; happiness is a deep well of reserves to weather the daily with good spirit.  To desire, to long for something, is to disrupt this calm and to color all that we have with the sense that we are missing something.  Longing steals the present, throwing us into the search for the distant and perhaps unattainable.

While working to overcome fear and guilt as thieves of happiness, let us not overlook the draining energy of desire.  When desire springs up it requires examination and if the object is a valid one, broken down from a powerful emotion to a goal and a plan.

A balance is needed to keep one moving forward without losing sight of the happiness in the moment.  To dream, to plan, to work daily on the goals that add to our contentment are necessary to continue to grow.  To crave, to covet, to yearn for that which we do not have works in opposition to that goal.  A happy inner life is one of moderation and equilibrium.  Extreme emotion is to be reserved for the most extreme circumstances, to allow that to bleed into our everyday way of being crowds out the space one has carved for personal peace.  Happiness will be disturbed; it is our task to minimize those disruptions and continue to be mindful of all that adds to our wellbeing.

Be a Tourist

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Seldom do we take advantage of the offerings around us as a tourist would.  When I travel to the nearest small city it is seldom to visit a museum or gallery, explore the historic fort or wander a path along the river.  Instead I rush in to the big box stores; the long thoroughfare lined with them referred to a Anywhere USA; the mall and the used bookstore see me on occasion.  Our Governor is acting as an ambassador in another state touting our’s as a tourist destination, The Last Best Place.  And indeed it is, but likely so is the place you spend much of your time or somewhere nearby.

When my children were young we ventured out and took full advantage of dozens of great places for kids from the wide offering where we lived.  We we surprised to hear on chaperoning field trips as they grew, how many of the kids had never been to the destination of the day, whereas it was as familiar as their school playground to my kids.  Children of course, must depend upon adults for this type of exposure, but adults have options they rarely choose.

If you had a friend who lived at some distance coming to visit where would you take them or suggest that they go?  Surely not the grocery store or the dry cleaners.  Even in the smallest of towns there is usually some special place that we forget about in our hurried days.  More often we are surrounded by a wide array of choices but think only about the time it will take, the long lines we may encounter, or the cost of admission.  But what a shot of rejuvenation for the spirit to spend a day as if we were a tourist visiting for the first time.  Plan the day with a guidebook or search online for offerings of interest.  It is likely the search will offer up a surprise, a small treat for the heart and the senses.

Plan your tourist day to eat out even if it is the cafeteria in the museum or the hot dog cart on the street.  If you would buy a souvenir if you were on an extended vacation, purchase some small reminder of your adventure.  As you go about your planned day leave room for a side trip of discovery, some place or thing that presents itself as you play tourist.  Soak it in, whether it is the architecture of the building, the view from the highway, the chatter around you in line.

This little one day experiment can open your eyes to the many places of interest large and small that surround each of us, as well as cause us to slow down and absorb things our eyes sweep over every day without seeing.  It can lift your heart with the thrill of a new discovery, recall a cherished memory from a visit to another place.  Take the time, see your world though a new lens, be a tourist.

The Extremes

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“The plain state of being human is dramatic enough for anyone; you don’t need to be a heroin addict or a performance poet to experience extremity.”

When considering choosing happiness a concern arises, will I be taken seriously?  Happy people seem so light, fluffy almost, like a kitten or a baby chick.  Equating drama, sorrow, deep emotional scarring with depth of intellect and spirit is neither a misconception nor a given.  Living and loving each offer ample opportunity for pain and sadness.  But does choosing to continue to look on the bright side, even through tears, make us feel less, be less, become shallow somehow?

Seriousness and happiness at first glance seem unlikely to co-exist.  Perhaps happiness is confused with giddiness and silliness.  Happiness that stems from contentment in the certainty that one is making good choices and living a full and honest life, has plenty of room for serious consideration.  What it may lack is room for drama, histrionics, grand yet meaningless gestures.  Life offers enough of the extremes, to add to them is disrespectful of their weight.  When one has chosen happiness, it does not give immunity from pain; but in can prevent the pain from becoming despair.  Happiness is a clear concept of the self and a solid grounding in the present.  It is an emotional bearing born of intellectual decisions.

Connecting the intellectual self with the emotional self is responsible for this misunderstanding of the happy person.  To choose to feel light, does not prevent one from exploring ideas, having stimulating conversations or writing difficult works.  A tortured soul is not a prerequisite for intellect.  Perhaps in our homogenized culture the intelligent soul is tortured, but the intellect is born, the dramatic response, man-made.  Life contains enough of the dramatic; unspeakable horror, sweeping tragic loss.  To concentrate all of one’s intellect on the bleakness is to lose great swathes of oneself, to be one dimensional, a caricature of the distressed artist.  Bringing the best of oneself to the stage without adding to the turmoil is a gift, not a handicap.

Experiencing the extremities of living is unavoidable.  Responding extremely is  and diminishes our connection to our rational selves, the self that is most needed in those moments of highest drama.  It is not necessary to give up depth of mind and spirit for happiness, instead sending down roots and developing solidness of being and sureness of heart prepares one to deal with the inevitable with grace.

It’s Still Allowed

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“To invent your own life’s meaning is not easy, but it’s still allowed, and I think you’ll be happier for the trouble.”  ―    Bill Watterson

As changes and choices present themselves to us we can look at each of them in isolation or we can look at our options through the lens of the broader meaning of our lives.  While the meaning of life is the eternal question, what gives meaning to each individual life is a matter of personal expression.  To answer the question, what should my life look like, on a personal level we can also ask:

  • If I had to give up one goal what would be last on my list?
  • On a dreary day what is my sure-fire mood brightener?
  • What do I do just for myself that excites me to think about?

As  the questioning process begins, being observant becomes part of the search.  Paying attention to the times when one becomes passionate in a conversation, when one jumps out of bed excited for the day’s activities, when an activity causes the Zen-like paying attention without seeming to; all cues to the things that shape the meaning of one’s life.

The weave of your life, the threads you choose, the colors you accentuate, the texture and weight, all yours.  A life of meaning can be unconventional, success defined in non-traditional ways.  It can be selfless and courageous, quiet and introspective, brash and world-shaping.  The meaning one derives from the living of their life is as unique as the person who has chosen that path.

Refusing to have the meaning of our lives defined for us, to fail to bow to the cultural and societal norms if our inclination is to do otherwise, is not taken lightly.  Stepping outside the circle drawn around us to seek another shape and pattern, creating definition from internal yearnings, wearing  passion draped lightly or wrapped snuggly; the  value comes from within and may not be a twin to the values foisted from without.  It is not easy, it is a life’s work; the lightness that lifting off the cloak of convention allows is the undeniable feeling of happiness.

Life Topography

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“Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success, flat stretches of boring routine and valleys of frustration and failure.”  ―    Bill Watterson

Is happiness found only at the summit?  Can we pick up some handfuls of it and put it in a pocket to carry with us down  to the plains of routine, maybe save a few grains for the valleys of frustration and failure?  Happiness itself has such a wide range, from quiet contentment to shrieking laughter, joy so pure it brings tears; it surely has its own topography.

Like a map stretched and pulled to reproduce the highs and lows of the surrounding area in a visitor’s center; what if we created one reflecting our lives?  That 12,000 ft. elevation, what was that moment?  How often do we dip below sea level?  Are there vast plains or does your map look like the alps?  Buttes of contentment; tall places that are wide and flat at the summit.  Rivers carry us from the pinnacles to the passes.  Roiling and boulder filled, cutting narrow walls along the way; broad and flat, muddied colors and shallow channels; sinuous and snaking or arrow straight waterways carry life events and emotions from edge to edge.

Understanding the contours of one’s life can bring insight when the map is overlaid with the topography we would choose.  A little flatter here, not so deep and foreboding there;  imagining forward to the profile of one’s future, can the topography change substantively?  Perhaps carrying those little grains of happiness from the crowns of the mountains of our achievements down to the valleys of our failures will soften the landscape over time, take away some of the sharp edges and deep furrows.